There is nothing more life- enhancing than finding that you possess a talent that you didn’t know you had. You spend so much of your life denying that you have any talent at all. “ I can’t act for toffee”, you say. “I can’t draw to save my life.” Since when has an ability to draw been a life or death option? If you’re drowning in the sea and going down for the third time and you see a lifeboat coming towards you: is the lifeboatman going to hand you a sketchbook and paper and say “ Draw me a horse – if it’s any good I’ll throw you a lifebelt”? On this reckoning no emergency first-aid or life-saving kit would be complete without its sketchpad and pencil . That’s as may be , but you can’t deny that we are constantly being told we’re useless :- advertisers tell us we are not good-looking enough , we’re not bright enough, we’re not rich enough. Even charities tell you that you have no right to feel good about yourself unless you adopt a penguin, and television wants you to know that you can barely be called a sentient human being unless you are up to date on the latest carryings-on on ‘Love Island’ . Don’t listen to it – put your fingers in your ears and go ‘La-la-La’ because you may well start to believe it and begin to feel really inadequate and depressed. Is it any wonder so many people opt to end it all by throwing themselves off city bridges? If ever you come across somebody poised for the jump off a bridge parapet you can be pretty sure what will have brought the victim to this low ebb – AND what to do about it. Yes, hand the jumper a sketchpad and pencil and say “ Draw me a horse – if it’s any good I’ll talk you out of this.” You never know – you may be putting somebody in touch with a talent they never knew they had and they’ll be drawing brilliant horses for the rest of their lives. A life saved but meanwhile another penguin remains unadopted.
Is your church overstretched and understaffed? Then what your parish needs is Robo-vic the world’s first ordained robot and fully-automated vicar. ‘Fess up, Vicar – so much of your work is time-wasting repetitive routine – conducting services, reading prayers and lessons , processions , taking collections, etc done by rote and force of habit without any spiritual engagement whatever.
Why go through the motions when the motions can be gone through for you? RoboVic can kneel , bless and wave his arms about with the best of them. With him doing all the boring stuff you could be out on your pastoral visits and having tea and lardy cake with old ladies and doing all the fun things which go with the priesthood. AND you could have Sundays off . Robo-Vic is an idea from Quot Technologies whose time has come – licensed to forgive sins and conduct weddings and funerals.This life-sized but convincingly weedy clerical robot has been pre-programmed to word-perfection in all liturgy and holy writ with an exhaustive repertoire of psalms and hymns which come complete with heavenly choir and organ accompaniment. Sorry, Vicar, but it’s better than the real thing but – at last – an answer to your prayers . (Warning . Restricted preaching : RoboVic cannot climb stairs to a pulpit.)